What no one told me, was how I would feel a year after I left my husband. Or how I would feel hours before I decided I was done. A couple years have come and gone since I have left, doesn’t seem long. However that is over seven hundred days, that is so much time to think. What if I stayed? What would I be like if I had stayed? The answer to that question, I would not be the woman I am today. For better or for worse I have changed, I have grown, I have forgiven him, but I am still trying to forgive myself. I am still in love with him, but am I?
Or is love just a constant state where we are confused. Do you love them, or are you in love with them? Both have a completely different definition. And that statement will always haunt you when you decide to question it.
But I remember, I remember when you loved me, I remember the way I could make you smile and laugh. I could make you feel whole and loved. I remember being your human and how I could make our house into a home. All of the memories we had made together. And the ones that I had forgotten now yet haunt me. You were the one I loved, trusted, believed in, stood behind. But then I also remember how you made me feel, I remember how we used to be, but I remember the most, of why we became to be.
I left for many reasons. I am going on year two now since the day I had decided I was done. In the last two years I have learned more about myself than I had ever known me to be. If I had known then what I know now, I would still be married. That keeps me up at night, how could it not?
What no one told me, was how stubborn I would be, to try and our problems in my eyes only. I could have cared less to look at it from his point of view. I was too proud and selfish. I see that now, and that ruined our marriage. It was the final cut to the string he was trying so hard to keep away from my sharpened blade. He tried in the end, to save our family after I had left. I was too head strong to want to save what I now know, was something special, sacred, once in a life time kind of thing. I was too blind to see, (what no one told me). I had to find out for myself, years after it even mattered. Once I took a step back and realized what good things he had done for me, it was too late. I had made the bed, I had to lay in it. The bed I was so eager for him to have to lay in, I had made for myself. That is how close minded I was, and I didn’t even know it.